I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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