Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.