I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
handjob tips. give me some.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Randomize
