he thought i was a dude.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
