The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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