nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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