...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
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I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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