Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
