Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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