pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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