i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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