Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
