Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
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