i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
