This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
