I have demons in me.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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