I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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