She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
