I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
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