Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
