mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize