Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Every concussion has its silver lining
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
