I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
