Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
