he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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