i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
