that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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