Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
