I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN