Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?