God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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