It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
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My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
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I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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