I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
