Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
