My hand turned me down
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she told me i tasted like america
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
