i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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