Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
