I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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