Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
