He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
