I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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