I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I can't turn off my feet"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
