When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
