to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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