Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
