Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
