Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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