I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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