Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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