It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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