I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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