Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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