I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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