is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
