I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.