tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
someone owes me an orgasm
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
