I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
