Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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