I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
