After last night, I could never be a politician.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
