he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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