I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
